Kindness ~ Love Languages (Part 6 of 10)

Read and potentially memorize I John 3:18.

*This story is enhanced if you pre-read “Too Important to Ever Forget.”*

It is a difficult thing to consider how many of the couples that asked me to perform their wedding ceremonies are still together. That awareness has prodded me to ask each bride and groom to promise me that they will seek a third party when things get weird at home, long before it’s too late for the marriage. It appears that few seem to take me up on that suggestion.

However, one couple made the call and asked for an appointment to reconsider their sacred vows. Karen made the call. She cried as she shared the fractured nature of their relationship. Karen feared Dan would leave their relationship. I was nervous. My personal love for these two convicted me to help any way I could, even if only to suggest a great professional counselor!

I asked my friend, colleague and mentor for advice. Without hesitation he asked, “Who’s the other woman?” I think I audibly gasped as my jaw dropped, but he defended his perspective. “Seldom, one leaves what they have, without a vision of something different” Wow. His candor seemed rude; but this content challenged me.

Karen and Dan arrived at the church at separate times in separate vehicles. This was not a reflection of their marriage, but Karen came from home dressed in active wear and Dan came from a formal office, still dressed in his suit.

Karen wasted no time getting to the point.

“Dan says he loves me but I can’t tell by the way he acts, or looks at me, or the things he says!”

She started a well-prepared script of events that supported her claim. This is not meant to be sarcastic or attempt to demean her perspective. She was deeply hurt and spent too long rehashing her wounds; therefore, they were easy to share.

Dan just slumped farther in the wing-back chair. His countenance fell. He seemed barely able to offer a defense. I simply asked him; “Dan, do you love Karen?” Dan replied with clarity and conviction;

“Yes, no doubt.”    

“Do you understand why Karen feels unloved?”

“No, well, yes, maybe.”

I don’t have a degree in marriage counseling; I wish I did. I was a bit overwhelmed so I turned to Karen and asked if she minded if I speak to Dan, alone. She picked up her purse, waved to us both, said something like “good luck” and went home. Personally, I was grateful, not because I was afraid of the conflict, but the toxic fumes in the room seemed counter-productive.

“Dan, is there another woman?”

“Absolutely not!” Dan was offended that I even asked.

“Dan, I bet you’re the man in the office that others count on. Are you the go to guy? I bet you meet deadlines and I wonder if people have grown to depend on you. I imagine you set goals, plan to achieve goals and meet goals. Do I have it right?”

Dan sat up a bit, humbly dropped his head a little and offered; “I guess that pretty much sums it up.”

“Dan, have you ever considered making a goal to remind your wife that you love her?

“What? I don’t get it.”

“If you can get it done at work, why can’t you get it done at home?”

“I guess. I don’t know; she seems impossible to assure.”

“Dan, what is the first thing Karen would say she desires from you, as an assurance that you love her? What does she complain the most that you don’t do?”

“She thinks I should call her every day just because I miss her and want to share my day with her! I just don’t have time for that! She doesn’t understand that I’m booked and I’m busy.”

“Well, Dan, how long would a reasonable daily phone call have to take? Would she appreciate two minutes?”

“She would probably love 20, but she would throw a party for two.”

“So, can you set a goal, I mean a timer. . .on your cell phone? Your alarm could start chiming at you by 3:00 if you haven’t called your wife, just for a two minute catch up? Is two too long? Can you do that? Could you call her every work day for a month? Is that impractical? Impossible? Improbable?”

“I could do it. She would love that. I mean I’ve tried that but I keep forgetting.”

“Then get out your cell, set a timed goal like you would for work, and make a mid-day conversation with your wife your top priority for your marriage. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Your cell?”

His thumbs clicked away and the goal was set. I tried a different avenue. “Dan, do you ever buy little gifts or trinkets to take home to your wife? I’m not referring to holidays or anniversaries; I mean random things for random occasions.

“Not really, or at least not in a long time.”

“Well, what if you stopped by a drug store on your way home today and you picked out 5 cheap gifts to give your wife as you walk in the door, like maybe a ‘Snickers’ and tell her she makes you laugh, or maybe a silk flower or maybe some perfume or whatever. What would it take? 5 minutes to pick out 5 things? Could you do that today, then put them in your glove compartment and pull out one every Monday for a month and give her something that reminds her that you appreciate her, thought of her, considered her feelings and brought her a gift? Could you do that AND put a reminder in your cell for an alarm every Monday during your commute home just to be sure you don’t forget?”

“Sure, I could handle that.”

“Cool! I’ll wait. Cell?” As he typed I moved ahead with another suggestion.

“Dan, do you and Karen watch a particular television shows together?”

“Grey’s Anatomy, Thursday evenings.”

“Ok, do you think the two of you could sit close to each other, maybe the same chair, and could you touch her for every minute of Grey’s Anatomy but not as a prelude to intimacy?”

“What?”

“Could you comb her hair, lightly tickle her arm, rub her back or message her calves? You know, physically connecting but not to get something out of it but to give her attention and remind her you love her. Possible? For a month?”

“Definitely.”

“I’ll wait. Thursday evening, Grey’s AND Anatomy, if you know what I mean.” I paused while his thumbs tapped away.

“You know, Dan, my wife used to write little sticky love notes. . . .”

“Mine too, and leave them in my lunch sack before I decided to eat out.”

“What if you sat at your desk, took out a stack of 5 sticky notes, wrote notes to Karen and stuck them in your wallet? How long would that take?”

“Forever.”

“Come on, Dan. It’s easy, just look up and write 5 scriptures about love. Then write how you love her. And every Friday morning an alarm on your cell would remind you to pull one note out of your wallet and leave for Karen, someplace obscure that she will find later in the day. Preparing them would only take what, 5 minutes?”

And we discussed cool places to leave notes: the coffee pot, her rear-view mirror, her vanity and maybe we discussed the toilet paper roll.

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“Excellent! I have only one more question while you activate your cell.” Do you ever do any of Karen’s chores? Every family has their assumed chores. Do you ever do Karen’s?”

“Not actually, they are HER chores. What would be the point?

“It would be so cool, if every Saturday, before lunch, you secretly and quietly did 20 minutes of something on her to-do list. It must be unrequested and unrecorded. She might flip!”

Dan’s eyes lit up;

“She would have to call her mother and they would have to discuss what I did wrong and why was I trying to kiss-up.”

“Let’s see if we can make that happen. Set a Saturday morning alarm by noon, got it?”

Once again, thumbs flew and Dan spoke as he tapped.

“Ok, I get it. I am actually making a goal of showing my wife I love her in tangible actions with an accountability plan. This makes me feel like a shmo. Has my marriage come to this? I can’t believe I’m this. . .guy! I don’t want to be this guy!”

“Dan, relax! You may have been this guy yesterday, but not today! And not tomorrow! One more thing, I want you to pray a prayer, every night, on your way home. Record it on your phone and play it before you enter your garage. Say this prayer many times a day if you can; but definitely say it as you walk in the door. I promise, if these words penetrate your heart, you will willingly become a different husband.”

“God, who blessed me with Karen, help me be a blessing to her.”

“Imagine what God can do with a prayer like that! Remember, falling in love is not a “discipline.” But showing love can be and should be, quite disciplined.”

“Let me explain what we have done here. There are 5 love languages and all of us excel at some and fail at others. Karen is God’s gift to you. You are so blessed. This plan simply honors that love intentionally and diligently. Let me remind you of your plan for the next month. Every workday you will initiate a call to your wife offering QUALITY TIME to communicate, share and remind each other you love each other. Every Monday you plan to honor the love language of GIFT GIVING simply by walking in the door with a thoughtful present. Every Wednesday evening you will lift up the love language of PHYSICAL TOUCH as you reconnect during Grey’s Anatomy. Every Friday morning you will leave her sticky note with WORDS OF AFFIRMATION for her to find randomly throughout the day. And every Saturday, through her chores, you will express the love language of ACTS OF SERVICE. Most importantly, you will be seeking God through heartfelt prayer to be the Godly husband you pledged to be on your wedding day.”

“There is one more request. Will you contact me at the end of one month so we can talk about your marriage?”

“Yeah, that’s cool.”

“Cell, one month, put me down.”

* * *

The day the phone rang, I was and wasn’t surprised. “Dan, how are you doing? How are things going?”

“Things are going well. I followed through, just like we planned. At first I was overwhelmed. And then I was kind of ashamed because these were such small things and I made such a big deal about them. But she did freak out, in a good way. Actually, it was fun and I enjoyed anticipating her response. I do have a question. Pastor, what if she has grown to expect this?”

“Dan, awesome! You’re the man. So, what if she had grown to expect this? Are you ok with that? Be creative, substitute romantic poetry in place of scripture this time, or replace the drugstore with Victoria Secret, or make gifts instead of buying them. But yes, you need to keep expressing love in every language you can. You need to. And you want to.”

“I’m in, long term. And I’m grateful to do it. Our relationship is better and I’m better at our relationship.”

“Dan, please get a book by Gary Chapman on Love Languages. Both you and Karen check it out and then let’s get back together to find the book’s additional blessings for each of you.

I remind you of two loving women, Mary and Martha. You might re-read Luke 10. It is the story of Jesus entering Martha’s home. Martha spends her time preparing for a meal as her sister, Mary, sits at Jesus’ feet. Martha, indignant over Mary’s perceived laziness later learns of the more appropriate agenda when in the presence of Jesus. It is a story of love languages.

Martha loved through ACTS OF SERVICE as she prepared and both Mary and Martha loved through GIFT GIVING as they shared their food and home. Mary loved through QUALITY TIME. Later, it was a Mary that anointed Jesus’ body with expensive perfume as she loves through PHYSICAL TOUCH, “Mary took a pound of costly perfume made of pure nard, anointed Jesus’ feet, and wiped them with her hair,” (John 12:3a.) And it is Martha who runs to greet Jesus when Jesus comes again to her village but this time to raise Lazarus from the dead. Martha loves through incredible WORDS OF AFFIRMATION of who Christ is, “Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world,” (John 11:27.) Yes, the love languages are Biblical.

Love is something we experience. It is something we feel. It is also something we do. It is something we show. There are many creative ways to articulate love.

Too often, we neglect to show love. Opportunities are missed, or neglected, or even ignored. This is the point in which relationships struggle and doubts fester. Why not set goals for our loving? Why not plan loving? Why not prepare for it, schedule it, be intentional with it and be accountable for it?

This is the definition of kindness, love in action. This is how kindness is realized, when love becomes a verb. This is how kindness is offered, through creative love languages.

This is too important to ever forget. Kindness is love as a verb. Kindness is the Fruit from the Holy Spirit that God showers on people who comprehend who they are as a child of God and how they are called to live in this world. 

You were born to experience kindness and to offer kindness to a potentially mean world. May kindness be a goal you set for today, a plan you put in place and hold yourself accountable. May kindness be intended and not avoided or missed. Today, more than any other day, choose kindness as your demeanor. Share kindness, repeatedly and enthusiastically. Choose random victims of your love in action, kindness, through creative love language. And then pray. . . “God, who blessed me with people that I love, help me to be a blessing in their lives.” Imagine what God can do with a prayer like that! May this string around your finger elicit a breath prayer every time you see it. May your prayer remind you that kindness is a Fruit of the Holy Spirit. It is yours to seek, experience and share.

Be challenged. And then be ready to be blessed by kindness.

Tie a string around your fifth finger and may it remind you of the challenge to offer kindness to everyone you experience.

Choose a breath prayer and memorize. Here are three examples for your consideration:

    1. “Holy Spirit, fill me with kindness. Use me to inspire kindness.”
    2. “May the seed of kindness in me, bear Fruit of kindness around me.”
    3. “As I rest in the Holy Spirit, kindness rests in me.”

Repeat this prayer to yourself every time you glance at the string around your finger.

Say it. . .maybe 20 times today.

Mean it when you say it at least 5 times.

Change what you are doing to reflect this prayer at least once, today.

May this spiritual discipline today, bring you closer to God and closer to the person God hopes you will become.

 

Take time to reflect, journal, pray.

In the opening welcome and introduction to this website, I shared the Scripture that inspired this online adventure, I Tim 6:20. This text is also the origination of the name; “Sacred Chatter.” However, my intent is not to be a singular voice. I invite your voice to be a part of the “chat” and I base this on another of my favorite Scriptures: Hebrews 10:24. “And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds.” I am considering how I can provoke love and good deeds in places beyond where I live. This is my attempt to enter into a Hebrews 10 conversation with you over social media.digitally. Now, I am interested in your feedback. Consider what provoking you can provide with your own Sacred Chatter.

What’s important to you? What really matters?

Add your voice in Sacred Chatter.

Love is ours to provoke. Good deeds are ours to sew.

That the wisdom of Hebrews 10 may flourish and grow.

Email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, they’re potential mediums for the Hebrews 10 plan.

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