It is a difficult thing to consider how many of the couples that asked me to perform their wedding ceremonies are still together. That awareness has prodded me to ask each bride and groom to promise me that they will seek a third party when things get weird at home, long before it’s too late for the marriage. It appears that few seem to take me up on that suggestion.

However, one couple made the call and asked for an appointment to reconsider their sacred vows. Karen made the call. She cried as she shared the fractured nature of their relationship. Karen feared Dan would leave their relationship. I was nervous. My personal love for these two convicted me to help any way I could, even if only to suggest a great professional counselor!

I asked my friend, colleague and mentor for advice. Without hesitation he asked, “Who’s the other woman?” I think I audibly gasped as my jaw dropped, but he defended his perspective. “Seldom, one leaves what they have, without a vision of something different” Wow. His candor seemed rude; but this content challenged me.

Karen and Dan arrived at the church at separate times in separate vehicles. This was not a reflection of their marriage, but Karen came from home dressed in active wear and Dan came from a formal office, still dressed in his suit.

Karen wasted no time getting to the point.

“Dan says he loves me but I can’t tell by the way he acts, or looks at me, or the things he says!”

She started a well-prepared script of events that supported her claim. This is not meant to be sarcastic or attempt to demean her perspective. She was deeply hurt and spent too long rehashing her wounds; therefore, they were easy to share.

Dan just slumped farther in the wing-back chair. His countenance fell. He seemed barely able to offer a defense. I simply asked him; “Dan, do you love Karen?” Dan replied with clarity and conviction;

“Yes, no doubt.”    

“Do you understand why Karen feels unloved?”

“No, well, yes, maybe.”

I don’t have a degree in marriage counseling; I wish I did. I was a bit overwhelmed so I turned to Karen and asked if she minded if I speak to Dan, alone. She picked up her purse, waved to us both, said something like “good luck” and went home. Personally, I was grateful, not because I was afraid of the conflict, but the toxic fumes in the room seemed counter-productive.

“Dan, is there another woman?”

“Absolutely not!” Dan was offended that I even asked.

“Dan, I bet you’re the man in the office that others count on. Are you the go to guy? I bet you meet deadlines and I wonder if people have grown to depend on you. I imagine you set goals, plan to achieve goals and meet goals. Do I have it right?”

Dan sat up a bit, humbly dropped his head a little and offered; “I guess that pretty much sums it up.”

“Dan, have you ever considered making a goal to remind your wife that you love her?

“What? I don’t get it.”

“If you can get it done at work, why can’t you get it done at home?”

“I guess. I don’t know; she seems impossible to assure.”

“Dan, what is the first thing Karen would say she desires from you, as an assurance that you love her? What does she complain the most that you don’t do?”

“She thinks I should call her every day just because I miss her and want to share my day with her! I just don’t have time for that! She doesn’t understand that I’m booked and I’m busy.”

“Well, Dan, how long would a reasonable daily phone call have to take? Would she appreciate two minutes?”

“She would probably love 20, but she would throw a party for two.”

“So, can you set a goal, I mean a timer. . .on your cell phone? Your alarm could start chiming at you by 3:00 if you haven’t called your wife, just for a two minute catch up? Is two too long? Can you do that? Could you call her every work day for a month? Is that impractical? Impossible? Improbable?”

“I could do it. She would love that. I mean I’ve tried that but I keep forgetting.”

“Then get out your cell, set a timed goal like you would for work, and make a mid-day conversation with your wife your top priority for your marriage. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Your cell?”

His thumbs clicked away and the goal was set. I tried a different avenue. “Dan, do you ever buy little gifts or trinkets to take home to your wife? I’m not referring to holidays or anniversaries; I mean random things for random occasions.

“Not really, or at least not in a long time.”

“Well, what if you stopped by a drug store on your way home today and you picked out 5 cheap gifts to give your wife as you walk in the door, like maybe a ‘Snickers’ and tell her she makes you laugh, or maybe a silk flower or maybe some perfume or whatever. What would it take? 5 minutes to pick out 5 things? Could you do that today, then put them in your glove compartment and pull out one every Monday for a month and give her something that reminds her that you appreciate her, thought of her, considered her feelings and brought her a gift? Could you do that AND put a reminder in your cell for an alarm every Monday during your commute home just to be sure you don’t forget?”

“Sure, I could handle that.”

“Cool! I’ll wait. Cell?” As he typed I moved ahead with another suggestion.

“Dan, do you and Karen watch a particular television shows together?”

“Grey’s Anatomy, Thursday evenings.”