Working with youth is a trip, a trial and a blessing; always eventful and never boring. One evening after youth choir rehearsal, Carter, (a senior in high school) came up to me and asked for a private conversation. It was easy to say yes. Carter was a fine young man and still is. I sat down in my office as Carter plopped into the wingback chair and jumped into his dilemma. 

“Lindsey and I have been dating for over a year. I really love her and we normally get along great. But, sometimes, well, maybe a lot, we get into fights over the stupidest stuff. They never end well and they are driving us apart. What do I do?”

Knowing Carter and Lindsey as I do, I made some broad assumptions.

“Carter, it seems like you and your girlfriend are on a communication merry-go-round. You guys are not alone. Many, many couples just like you find themselves on the same playground. I imagine it goes like this: you say something, she corrects it and articulates her perspective, you justify your thoughts with a bit of history of how you remember the past and she responds with her interpretation. Volume increases. Intensity grows as each of you try to win. The merry-go-round spins faster and faster. Someone better figure out how to drag a foot on the ground and slow the thing down. If not, someone’s getting nauseous or someone’s getting hurt and thrown off and that person is likely to walk away.”

Carter followed my metaphor and saw their relationship reflected in the silly story. “So, how do I drag my foot?”

“The next time you and Lindsey find yourselves jumping on the merry-go-round, multi-task. Listen to what she is saying as you ask yourself this question: ‘What is Lindsey feeling right now?’ Carter, while spinning on this communication nightmare, imagine what emotions are going on inside your hearts? Then, when the time is right, gently, and with a soft countenance, tell Lindsey how you imagine she is feeling in that very moment. You are not allowed to rehearse any history on what brought you to this conclusion. You can only share what, not why, no history, no events, no proof, no rationale.

“Too often, we argue about things which have no ultimate significance. We often fight about the debris of what happens in life and not how that event makes us feel deep inside. What really matters? The status of the heart is where the important conversations take place.”

Carter, not sure it would work, agreed to give it a try. Then both of us walked out of the church together and separated in our different vehicles; Carter into his rugged F150 and I dropped into my 25 year old. . .classic?

At midnight, the phone rang with Carter on the line.

“You asleep?”

“Carter, I’m up. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, great. Listen, Lindsey and I were kind of fighting and I tried the thing you suggested. I guessed that she felt unheard and that maybe she felt like she wasn’t a priority in my life. I was pretty cool. I mean, at least we stopped bickering and talked about our relationship.”